Friday 22nd December 2023. The day had finally come, since the previous day my head felt great, less fuzziness and more optimistic. After spending the last few months waking every morning and the first thing bombarding my mind being that evenings hit of Diazepam and wine to the realisation, I am about to get help. I decided to travel by train to Watford where my rehab was, just so I could pack a case and it seem more like a ‘holiday’ experience. After arriving in Watford I was planning to be collected from the station to be taken to the rehab, but instead I decided to walk, I’ve never been to Watford and it’s nice to walk around a new place. It was a good 30-minute walk, with a heavy suitcase but it gave me time to reflect. I reached the rehab around 2pm and was welcomed with open arms by the staff, I was taken straight to the detox wing where I would spend my first few nights, being monitored and being made comfortable. I was excited when I arrived, to the point where the team leader said, are you sure you need to detox…After a huge amount of paperwork and then the realisation of what I was about the experience the anxiety and agitation kicked in. I was given Diazepam and shown around and I then retreated to my room to rest. I slept awful the first night, I didn’t ‘feel’ like I wanted a drink but I felt something was different, my usual routine had been disrupted.
Saturday 23rd December 2023. Having slept bad, also being monitored a lot, so my door being opened a lot through the night, and being ‘woken’ at 3am to take medication I got myself out of bed around 6am and went to the communal area to make myself a cup of tea and just give up on the idea of sleep. Luckily afterwards I managed a couple hours. Detox started today – pretty sluggish all day, so just used the day to get used to the facilities and staff.
Diazepam – 40 mg
Vitamin B Complex
Sunday 24th December 2023. Slept much better last night (likely due to the 40mg of Diazepam) and just generally getting used to the environment. By now they were waking me up and getting me out of bed to get breakfast inside me and be ready for the day ahead. I was extremely unsteady on my feet all day, bumping into walls, having to carry cups of tea with two hands to not spill everywhere – that didn’t want whilst making a cup of tea, there was usually a clean up operation needed after that.
Diazepam – 40 mg
Vitamin B Complex
Feeling more at ease I made it to a couple group sessions today – at Cassiobury Court they usually have a couple group sessions a day on various topics, they email you the following days schedule the night before so you can plan your day and be aware if you’re booked in for any one-to-one sessions.
The first session, I’ll be honest I don’t really remember the full context of (memory is never good whilst detoxing) but we were shown a video and that gave me some inspiration and hope. It’s all about taking it day by day, and it applies to many things – not just addiction. I’ve put the video here from YouTube.
The second session was a ‘Creative Therapeutic Process group’ (art therapy), I went into it sceptical because I’m not creative, but it was simple and I found it a very good way to shut my mind of a little a concentrate on something different. The idea was to hold two pens and draw with both hands at the same time, just random shapes – we repeated in 3 or 4 times. I’ll share my outcome here: 😅
This drawing task was just a warm up it turned out – with it being Christmas the next day we were asked to write a Christmas card to ourselves, as you would a friend, maybe a friend who is going through a hard time – but to yourself. THAT WAS HARD. We did a draft first and each took it in turn to read our draft out. People went deep, there were tears shared amongst the group, addiction and recovery and painful things and this task really hit hard. After reading mine it was commented that I had not included any self-compassion within what I had written. The more I thought about that the more emotional I got. I realised I find it hard to articulate my emotions and that made me emotional. I worked on the feedback and did in the end successfully write a Christmas card to myself from the heart. That really opened my mind.
Monday 25th December 2023. Christmas day in rehab! Woke feeling a little groggy, still on a high dose of Diazepam which was still making me feel woozy, but today is the day it started to drop! What a strange feeling, being in a rehab on Christmas day – the staff and fellow residents made it though, we laughed and had a great time, just a big group of strangers sharing not only the same problems but a day like Christmas day. They say ‘Carry the message of recovery, kindness and laughter with you always’.
We did little group work today but just all being together in the dining room for most of the day was enough, speaking will people who are going through the same as you. Spent some of the day pondering the thought of the up-coming ‘big drop’ in Diazepam, to complete the detox….and constipation 😂.
Diazepam – 32 mg
Vitamin B Complex
* I may add to this post when things come up, my mind is not completely remembering everything.